I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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