this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
