I wish my penis had an off switch
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
