Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
