There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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