Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
