fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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