The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
