The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You may now shotgun with the bride
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
