Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
