even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
