So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
