textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
