i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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