did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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