420 ftw
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
