just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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