When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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