My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
