So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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