My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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