I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just invented taco cereal.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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