Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
