she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
