you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
