you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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