mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
