I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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