Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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