I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
