so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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