i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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