Ambien. No doubt about it.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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