Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
