she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
