Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
