All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
