I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
is that a dick in a sweater?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
