she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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