It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
