Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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