Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
