plz talk dirty to me
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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