Please, let me fuck your mom
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
