What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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