I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
