I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
