No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
