yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
