I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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