Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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