That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
