I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
