K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
