i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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