I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
