so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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