You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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