Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
