I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Im part way to drunk.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
