i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
