Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
