I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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