she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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