I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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